A Conversation with Ken Guidroz

This month features author Ken Guidroz whose debut memoir Letters to My Son in Prison just hit the shelves. Ken was a member of the Unlocking Your Story workshop back in 2019 where he discovered the importance of having a story question to anchor his narrative. Author and editor Lisa Dale Norton wrote an exceptional blog post that defines what a story question is, explaining that:

"Memoir is like any other story; it is the exploration of something unknown—a search through memories and thoughtfulness to find understanding. That unknown answer, and the search for that answer is what propels your story forward."

Ultimately, your story question lies at the heart of why you're writing your memoir NOW; it is captures what it is you are seeking to understand through the writing.

"Ask yourself this," Norton writes. "What is it I need to know?"

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Ken Guidroz is a debut memoirist with a day-job: he designs pension plans for companies. At night he writes.

In his new book, Letters to My Son in Prison: How a Father and Son Found Forgiveness for an Unforgiveable Crime, Guidroz delves into his life, parenting, marriage, and his struggles with his faith.

It's a book that's both heart-breaking and hopeful. His son has recovered and is now out of prison, married, and has a new son of his own. Nevertheless, there was an accident, a man died, and a widow was made. Now these two truths, however inconsolable, must exist, side by side, with grace, in one book. 

To learn more, visit: kenguidroz.com

KARIN GUTMAN:  What is your memoir, Letters to My Son in Prison, about?
 
KEN GUIDROZ:  My book is part parenting story, part marriage story, and part spiritual recovery story. 
 
I returned to the ministry as a pastor (after having served for ten years out of college) when my three sons were knocking on the door of adolescence. This went well for a while but then one by one, over the course of five years, they each fell into substance abuse. One ended his run with heroin when he killed a cyclist by rear-ending him on a country road in our town. He then served a prison term for vehicular manslaughter. How could this happen to my family after all we did to try and parent correctly? I wrote this book to answer that question.
 
Through it all, my wife and I managed to stay together, and I found God again outside the walls of religion. 
 
KARIN GUTMAN:  How far along were you with the book when you joined the Unlocking Your Story workshop?

KEN GUIDROZ:  I joined UYS in the fall of 2019 and had written a very rough first draft. I knew my idea, Letters to My Son, was a good one. It had great themes and was an incredible tale, but I didn’t know how to make it into a compelling story. It was only a series of scenes and letters at the time, and I needed to learn the craft of writing and the art of story. That is why I joined your group. 
 
KARIN GUTMAN:  How did the workshop help the book along?
 
KEN GUIDROZ:  In one class, I read a piece about an argument that my wife and I had about parenting. It ended with, “For years I thought I was a great dad, I thought I had the ‘dad gene’. I did pretty well when they were boys. But when they became teens—I sucked. I was no good at handling rebellion. I was no good at handling raging hormones. The longer I was a dad, the less I felt like I had the dad gene and the more I became a dad meme.” 
 
You responded with something like, “You’ve painted a good picture of what happened to your family. But how did this happen? Why did not just one, but all three of your sons go off the rails?”
 
I vividly remember telling you, "I don’t know. It all kinda spun out of control and everything went to hell.” 
 
I know that was the worst answer a memoirist could possibly give. I had ignored one of the most foundational questions of the book: What did you learn about parenting? I had a pit in my stomach. I knew I needed to answer that.
 
So, I started writing scenes about my boys’ teen years and their early to mid-twenties… what they did and how my wife, Joyce, and I reacted. Then I started to share these scenes with my sons and their wives while sitting in the jacuzzi on Sunday afternoons after playing pickleball. They would add details, telling me how they felt and what they were thinking. I shared about the pressure I felt as the pastor. They told me about the pressure they felt as the pastor’s sons. Back and forth we went, my wife and I rehashing the discussions, and the picture became clearer and clearer.
 
What did I think the book would be without that answer? I don’t know. A story of what happened perhaps, but it never would have become a book.
 
KARIN GUTMAN:  So, what is the answer to that question? What did you learn about parenting?

KEN GUIDROZ:  Go with your gut. Lean into your own individual instinct. Don’t let outside pressures sway you in how you handle your kid. Not an in-law, not your own parents, not a pastor, and certainly not what you think is a best practice. I’m not even sure if there are any best practices. There are only the practices that make sense to you and practices that will work with your unique kid and practices that you can live with and sleep well with at night.
 
Yes, educate your gut. Read books, listen to podcasts, get advice from wise people. But when all the inputs are internalized, do what you believe you should with your own unique kid.
 
I didn’t listen to my gut. I let the senior pastor sway me. I let other parents in the church influence me to parent outside of my comfort zone. And my boys sensed it. They smelled a rat. They rebelled when they saw me change and become the type of dad they did not recognize.
 
For us, that resulted in ten years of family trauma.
 
You also have to listen to your collective gut… by that I mean the gut of the other parent, whether that be an ex or a spouse. As my family imploded, I started to lean more into my wife’s gut than mine. I just didn’t trust myself anymore.
 
This process changed the book. It gave it a narrative thread; it brought in tension. It illustrated the influence of the church and the pressure of leadership on me and my marriage and my sons. It broadened the book from just a father and son story, to include all of my life… my marriage, my parenting and my spiritual life.
 
So, Karin, thank you for asking that question.
 
KARIN GUTMAN:  How did writing a memoir change you and your family? 
 
KEN GUIDROZ:  Writing this book changed my life. Dramatically. I’ve processed much of my grief and see the past more clearly. I feel like I’ve lived life twice… once actually living it, and a second time in writing about it.

My wife and I are together and happy and both deeply involved in sharing this story with others. Last night, as we were leaving a restaurant, a couple stopped us to share the impact the book is having on their marriage and their parenting. We were beaming.
 
I’m super close to all three of my boys and their wives—and writing this book has only deepened that. We all live in LA and play pickleball and jacuzzi together and eat great food on Sundays. Lucas and I are tight as a drum. He has a son now—a surreal experience that tightens my throat as I hold him. He supports the book. While he isn’t able to speak publicly about it yet and is pained that the worst moment of his life is now in the public eye, the bigger part of him is glad that others are being helped.

Family time in the jacuzzi.

KARIN GUTMAN:  What did you learn about the writing and editing process?
 
KEN GUIDROZ:  I learned that writing is hard. Good writing is learned. Finding your voice takes time and a lot of writing. Discovering the style that feels good to you takes practice. Finding critique partners that you respect takes diligence and careful listening and trial and error. Writing a memoir may take years or decades.
 
Finding the right editor takes kissing a lot of frogs. I kissed a half-dozen before I found mine. I cut things I wish I hadn’t, but most of her input (Nan Wiener) was great. I used Nan for probably 40-50 hours of editing and don’t regret any of it.
 
KARIN GUTMAN:  How have you grown spiritually?
 
KEN GUIDROZ:  Losing my family as I did was not only a parenting crisis, but also a spiritual crisis. I had always believed God would bless us; he would give us a strong family. Especially after all of that church and sacrifice and spiritual upbringing. So, to have it all sitting in a big old pile of failure was stunningly discouraging.
 
I had resigned the ministry. I couldn’t even open a Bible without a flood of bad memories swarming me, and I couldn’t darken the door of a church for years. I was beginning to think that I would turn out to be a spiritual has-been.
 
But then I found a church in Hollywood with an amazing band and a dark auditorium. They dropped the lights to almost black during the singing, and I was able to let myself go and cry and pour out my heart in this cocoon of darkness in such a way that touched a part of my soul that I didn’t know was there. I was able to process my disappointment with God. I needed anonymity (I knew no one) and darkness and music and lyrics to reconnect with God. 
 
I learned that even though my life didn’t look very Christian or exemplary, and even though my heart was numb and my spiritual pulse was undetectable, I was still a son of God.
 
Even now, after everything in my family has come full circle, organized religion is still a little out there for me. I love sharing the spiritual message of this book and being close to other Christian men and reading the Bible and thinking about God and writing about faith. But I haven’t found my place in the organization of it all.

KARIN GUTMAN:  What do you hope people will take away from your story?
 
KEN GUIDROZ:  My story is about one man kicking, scratching, and clawing his way to sanity and back to God. I hope my story will inspire others to do the same, in their own way, with renewed confidence in their gut, with a flicker of hope in their heart, and with a fresh belief that God can be found in the darkness.
 
KARIN GUTMAN:  So, how is the book doing and what is next for you?
 
KEN GUIDROZ:  The response to the book has been incredible—more than we ever expected. People are coming out of the woodwork with their story—with their own trauma or son in prison. I never imagined it, but this book may find a real place in this world.
 
Most of my marketing has been done with 500 people in our network. I’ve done a half-dozen podcasts and really like that forum. I hope to do more.
 
I’m also still writing. I have a weekly newsletter hosted on Substack. I’ve written a couple pieces, “3 Ways I’m Trying NOT to be and Asshole in my 60s” and “How NOT to fight with your Spouse on Vacation.” Next is a monthly segment featuring a question from one of my three sons: “Dear Pops, how do I raise my boy to be a real man?”

Everything can be found at kenguidroz.com.



Purchase the book!

To learn more about Ken Guidroz, visit his site.

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A Conversation with Steffanie Sampson

I am very excited to share with you an upcoming book release. Steffanie Sampson, a longtime member of the Unlocking Your Story workshop, has co-authored her husband Gary Busey's self-help memoir, Buseyisms. In the interview below, we chat about how the book came to be and her first experience through the traditional publishing process at Macmillan. I will be attending the LA book launch next Friday, September 7th and would love to see you there!

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Steffanie Sampson is the co-author of the self-help memoir,Buseyisms, Gary Busey’s Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (St. Martin's Press, September 2018). She is also an actress, stand-up comedian, hypnotherapist, and co-founder of the Busey Foundation For Children’s Kawasaki Disease. She recently won the So You Think You Can Roast competition held at the world famous Friar’s Club in New York City.

“Who am I, a genius, a crazy madman, to give advice? This is not advice. I am sharing the life lessons I learned while surviving the ups and downs of almost 50 years in Hollywood, a near fatal motorcycle accident, a drug overdose, two divorces, bankruptcy and cancer in the middle of my face. I may turn concepts you usually believe in upside down with my bizarre stories, but that comes with the dinner.

These are my life lessons, my B.I.B.L.E.—Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.”

— Gary Busey

Karin Gutman: Oh my, it is almost here! How do you feel about your upcoming book release? 
 
Steffanie Sampson: It is surreal. I remember when Gary and I met with Macmillan for the first time my editor said, ‘If we do this book, it will most probably be released in two years.’ I thought to myself, TWO YEARS?! Why so long? ... That day seems like yesterday.
 
KG: Can you share about the book and how it came to be?
 
SS: For years, Gary has been constructing Buseyisms. Those are unique word-phrases he makes to create a deeper, more dimensional meaning for words using the letters that spell them.

For example, FART (a fan favorite): Feeling A Rectal Transmission.

Another popular one (and one of his longest) is for the word RELATIONSHIP: Really Exciting Love Affair Turns Into Overwhelming Nightmare Sobriety Hangs In Peril.

For some time, Gary and I wanted to release a book of his Buseyisms, but we weren’t sure how to formulate it. At first we thought of a coffee table book with just illustrations, but no one seemed interested in publishing that. I brought the idea to you, my amazing writing coach Karin Gutman, and together we brainstormed and finally figured out the perfect hook: to tell the stories of Gary’s colorful life through his Buseyisms, sharing the life lessons he has learned along the way.

Once we figured out the format, everything happened to fall into place as if it was divinely guided. One morning we were in the green room at Good Day New York promoting a play that Gary was in, and we ran into an acquaintance of ours, Hayes Grier, who was also doing Good Day New York to promote a new book he wrote. When he introduced us to his publicist, I told her that we were writing a book and asked whom I could contact at Macmillan. I sent an email and got a response within a day asking for a proposal. Since it was just an idea formulating in my mind, I spent the next few days writing a proposal, and consulting with you again, which helped me immensely. After I sent the material to Macmillan, we had a meeting with them, and they offered us a book deal. At the meeting, I told our future editor we were open to all possibilities regarding a ghostwriter, but he wanted me to write it. And now two years later, our book is in the physical form.
 
KG: As the ghostwriter of your husband’s story, what was your process in getting the story out on the page?
 
SS: I really wanted the book to be very readable and fun. I wanted each chapter to be a complete story that could stand alone and be read at any time, similar to the book, Chicken Soup For The Soul. I put myself in the place of the reader and dissected Gary’s life to help me select 50 of his most interesting stories. Then I asked Gary to talk about each story in detail while I recorded him. After a lot of editing, because Gary likes to talk, I made each story roughly 4-5 pages long. We were also required to include 35-50 pictures in the book, so while I was writing the stories, I was also working with various photographers and studios licensing pictures that were cohesive to each story.
 
KG: What was the most challenging aspect of writing this book?
 
SS: The most challenging aspect of writing the book was getting Gary to go deep. There were some things in his life that he didn’t like to talk about, and I really had to explain to him the value of getting everything out on the page. Gary tends to have a real positive outlook and doesn’t like to wallow in the past. I explained that telling stories about what happened in his life was not wallowing in the past and could be very inspirational for people. I mean, Gary survived physical abuse by his father, substance abuse, a near fatal motorcycle accident, cancer in the middle of his face, a drug overdose, bankruptcy, and so much more… there’s a lot that people can relate to. It took me a while to get him on board, but once he understood that telling his stories could help other people, then the writing really flowed.
 
KG: What is the most rewarding aspect?
 
SS: It’s hard to choose the most rewarding aspect. I think having a finished product in hardcover and people getting to know the real Gary - and not the Gary that the media has portrayed - is the most rewarding thing for me. In the ten years I’ve been with Gary, it's been frustrating to see people assume he’s a certain way that he isn’t. Most people assume he’s a crazy nut-bag, but really he’s a very deep, spiritual person. I’m very excited for people to learn the truth about Gary.
 
KG: How the heck did you finish by your deadline, as a mother of a young child to boot!? What was your writing process like?
 
SS: I really have no idea how I did it. It’s almost as if the book wrote itself and I was just a channel. During the ten months that I wrote the book, I was pulled in so many different directions by Gary, our son Luke, and everyday life, but I kept my focus strong. I knew I had a deadline and I wrote every minute I could to make the deadline. I wrote and shared many of the early chapter drafts in your Unlocking Your Story workshop. I would take Luke to school, then lock myself in a room all day long until it was time to pick Luke up from school. I divided up the ten months by chapter and made sure I kept on schedule.
 
KG: I remember speaking to you early on about all the UNKNOWNS working with a publisher and editor. Can you describe the process and share some details, now that you’re on the other side?
 
SS: After we signed the book deal, I spoke to our editor about his vision, then I told him mine, and then strangely enough, I was left alone pretty much until the deadline. At one point about four months into it, my editor wanted to see some chapters to make sure I was on the right path. I sent him what I had completed, and surprisingly he sent me a simple note saying he liked what he saw and that he didn’t need to see anymore until the book was due. Once I turned the book in, he read it, wrote minimal notes, cut two chapters (I ended up writing 52 chapters), and that was that.
 
KG: I know you considered having an agent represent the book. Why did you choose NOT to have an agent and do you think that served you?
 
I considered having an agent in the beginning because I wanted to make sure we had a good deal. After negotiating with Macmillan, and speaking to some people in the industry, I realized that Macmillan’s deal wasn’t going to change whether I had an agent or not. They were pretty definite. I’d already done the bulk of the work getting the deal, and at that point having an agent wasn’t going to be beneficial at all, so I opted out. My experience with Macmillan has been positive thus far, and everything we’ve asked for we’ve gotten, so I think I made the right decision.
 
KG: What kind of support are you getting from the publisher on the promotion of it? Are they relying on Gary’s celebrity and personal publicist to generate promotional opportunities?
 
SS: At the moment Gary does not have a personal publicist, so we are completely relying on publicity provided by Macmillan. It may be too early to comment on publicity, but it seems like they are presenting us with some good opportunities.
 
KG: As the ghostwriter, what is your role now that the book is out? Will you continue to be behind the scenes?
 
SS: I’d like to say that it was very important for me to have my name on the book as a co-author. I was really instrumental getting the book deal, and putting it together with Gary, so I wanted to be recognized. That said, I really don’t know what my role will be. I will make myself available to the publishers, and to Gary, if they need me for anything. 
 
KG: Does this book make you want to write your own story one day?
 
SS: I think someday I will definitely write my own book. It doesn’t feel like it will be any time in the near future. I would be open to ghostwriting another book if the price is right and the subject is pleasing to me.
 
KG: What does Gary think of the book? Is he happy with it?
 
SS: Gary is thrilled with how the book turned out, thank God!
 

Meet Gary Busey + Steffanie Sampson

~ Upcoming Readings & Signings ~

Tuesday, Sept. 4th @ 6 PM EST
Bookends
East Ridgewood Avenue Center, 211 E Ridgewood Ave, Ridgewood, NJ 07450

Wednesday, Sept. 5th  @ 7 PM
The Book Revue
313 New York Ave, Huntington, NY 11743

Thursday, Sept. 6th@ 6 PM - 8 PM EST
FRIARS CLUB BOOK WARMING
with James “Murr” Murray from Impractical Jokers
3205, 57 E 55th St, 2nd Floor, NYC 10022

Friday, Sept. 7th  @ 7 PM PST  
Barnes & Noble @ The Grove
189 The Grove Drive Suite K30
Los Angeles 90036
Event link

Buy Buseyisms on Amazon

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